I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
