I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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