did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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