just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
