I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
