Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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