Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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