im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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