Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
People in love make me want to vomit
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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