I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
