I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.