Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe