I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.