My liver just broke up with me...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.