I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.