you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
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Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
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I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.