Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
