My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
