quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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