I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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