I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
