Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
