Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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