yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
