is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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