My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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