I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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