need another drink. this is the easiest way
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize