and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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