Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
