Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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