Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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