just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
