i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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