my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
