She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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