i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
