My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm at about main and main street
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
