I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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