I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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