I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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