she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
