yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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