I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
