I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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