I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
