and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
