I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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