yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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