i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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