Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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