If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
