I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
