The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
