I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
