Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
