an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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