His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
